ristin gave me the idea of presenting Super Tuesday as a WWE all-in brawl. Since I find them both about as equally entertaining, I thought I'd give it a go. (This makes more sense if you know the urban dictionary definition of santorum.)
Disclaimer: I'm just having some fun and only posting this on Ristin's insistence. I'm completely agnostic as to who should be the Republican nominee (*cough*Palin*cough*) or indeed who should win the next US presidential election. That's something you guys need to sort out. Honest. *dons his halo*
Aaaaand welcome to WWE pay-per-view Super Tuesday all-in brawl! This contest has been shaping up as the grudge match of the century, and fans have not been disappointed!
In the liberal (by Republican standards) corner, we have Mitt "The Robot" Romney. People thought of him as the annointed one coming into this contest, but that's what they said in 2008, until "Comeback Kid" McCain gave him a black eye in New Hampshire. The Robot just can't seem to keep us excited. He's picked up a slew of states in this Super Tuesday brawl, but nothing we didn't expect him to win. He has to do a lot better than that before we can count out the other contestants, in particular...
Rick "Frothy" Santorum, in the far-right corner! Frothy has been counted out more times than he's had hot dinners on the road. I never swallowed it, but those who do find you just cannot keep Santorum down! When Frothy gave Romney gave a double-punch to the kidneys in Minnesota and Colorado, The Robot countered with his signature pile-drive move (aka, drive in piles of money) in Michigan. That was enough to keep lesser wrestlers (aka, Gingrich) down, but not Santorum! He just took a leaf from Hulk Hogan's playbook, dropped down on his knees and prayed for divine intervention (or more money). Atheists might say that prayer doesn't work, but there's no question that it does for Santorum! Frothy dodged Romney's pile-drive in Ohio by forcing him into a deadlock (the judges awarding it to Romney by 0.7%) and showed he still has plenty of fight in him left by picking up North Dakota and Oklahoma along the way.
In the sulking corner sitting by himself is Newt "The Grinch" Gingrich. The Grinch stole South Carolina right from under Romney's nose and declared himself the winner of the whole contest. Romney wasn't going to take that lying down and pile-drived him in Florida. He got up again, but he looks groggy and he hasn't been the same since. Commentators say the only thing driving him on now is spite. The Grinch scored a decisive win in Georgia on Super Tuesday, but that was playing to a home crowd with the other wrestlers just phoning it in. The only way The Grinch is going back to Washington is in a taxi.
As if the Grinch doesn't give us enough comic relief, in the fringe corner we have Ron "Doc" Paul. Nobody, least of all the Doc himself, really thinks he has a shot at pulling this off. In spite of a strong showing in New Hampsire, he hasn't been able to win any state in his own right thus far. The more we see of him the more we realise he might have a devoted cadre of noisy fans, his appeal among wrestling fans in general is sorely limited. As a 76-year-old wrestler, we can respect him for his staying power, especially among the younger wrestling fans, but not much else.