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Thu, Dec. 23rd, 2004, 07:32 pm
Falling down

(I feel I can speak freely without fear of worrying ristin because Ristin is lacking internet access for at least a few days and by the time he reads this it will be buffered by happier posts.)

Ristin forbade me from worrying about him because it only meant he had more to worry about then. Surprisingly enough, this actually worked until this latest bit of unpleasantness. So how did I respond to this? I got some gourmet pizza and Byron opened up a bottle of red wine. We downed the whole lot. Byron estimates we each drank about four standard drinks' worth, nowhere near as much as I had at Darth's birthday celebration, but still enough to be pleasantly lubricated. nightcoon of course would see nothing wrong with this, but the point is I promised myself (not Ristin) that I wouldn't drink anything during Ristin's absence, just to prove I could. I so easily fell back on that familiar old crutch. Now that I've fallen down once, it's so much easier to fall the next time. I won't even bother trying to have a dry Christmas now. I've got nothing left to prove.

In other news, I've had these lines (from "Treat Yourself Gently" by Brisbane band Isis) running through my head all day:
I've got some dead friends who live on inside me,
I've got some living who are dying inside.
By his account, Ristin was dying inside before he met me. He must be dying right now without me.

I have something else to feel depressed about, but I'd only make it worse if I whine about it here.

Thu, Dec. 23rd, 2004 11:48 am (UTC)

Awwww fuck :( *hugs

Ristin will be coming back home to you....You guys will be together, you just have to get though this.

Please don't drink to excess, I know I sound nagging, but it makes you feel so much more depressed to give in. I've done it myself with other substances and after the high, I feel so much more worse. You have to be strong. You always have something to prove that helps you keep your self worth. You have to be strong for Ristin too.

Just keep your eyes on the road ahead. I can't pretend to know or understand everything that is going on, but I believe you and Ristin will be together. Sorry if I've overstepped my bounds.

Thu, Dec. 23rd, 2004 11:54 am (UTC)

There's not much I can say except if you set your standards/expectations/goals unflexibly high, you're bound to be disappointed.

Believe it or not, I won't be drinking much over the holidays. I was going to get some more dope for over the Xmas break, but it didn't come through - which I was initially really peed off about, but now I'm thinking, it's for the best. And I'm out of codeine till the next time I go to France. So my Christmas break will be relatively substance free.

Thu, Dec. 23rd, 2004 04:59 pm (UTC)
kendermouse: Comments from a mouse in "Mama" mode...

::hugs Marko::

Re: worrying -
It's only normal to worry about people you love, especially when they are 1)away from you and 2)having a hard time. HOWEVER, making yourself sick worrying about them is counterproductive and indeed DOES make them worry more. (Voice of experience) The thing to remember is that Ristin *needs* to know that you're ok as a way to keep him going when things get rough. However, i ALSO know that not worrying is a hell of a lot easier said than done! (again, voice of experience here). But the best ANY of us can do is TRY.

Re: the drinking -
first off... STOP beating yourself up about falling back on an old crutch! When things get tough, we look for ways to make it EASIER to cope. That's the way it is. It happens. NOW - if you DIDN'T feel guilty about doing it, then i would worry. BUT you do feel guilty... which means 1)you are wanting to KEEP that promise to YOURSELF about not relying on that crutch and 2)that it's important to you to do this for not only RISTIN... but YOURSELF!

second... you drank NOT as a means to an end (ie - wanting to get drunk to escape the situation) but while engaging in a nice dinner with a friend. NOW, maybe you both drank a little more than you had intended but you didn't set out to get DRUNK and then decide to have dinner. You didn't finish the bottle of red wine and then head out and buy several more bottles with the intent of getting sh*tfaced. You were talking and enjoying an evening with good company and HAPPENED to be drinking. There's a BIG difference between the two scenarios. TRUST ME! I know!

SO (Stepping firmly up on her "i'm a year older than you, bucko so you BETTER LISTEN UP" soapbox - ::grin::) Speaking as someone who is a stress smoker and has a tendency to Fall back on the crutch of Alcohol (which is NOT a good thing for me with alcoholism on BOTH sides of the family AND an alcohol tolerance of a VERY LARGE water buffalo!) you need to cut yourself some SLACK on this. There are going to be times when things don't go as well as you would like. BUT, that just means dropping back and trying again. really.

Now that I've fallen down once, it's so much easier to fall the next time. I won't even bother trying to have a dry Christmas now. I've got nothing left to prove.

THIS i will take issue with!::Glares at the upset rat with exasperation - before HUGGING THE STUFFING out of him, just 'cause!::

Yes, it will be so much easier to fall the next time, which means trying that much harder NOT to do it! This is a set back, yes. But it's the holidays and Ristin is gone and is having a hard time and things are HARD right now. So set backs happen. I've had a few myself. i've done things in the last week due to stress that i haven't done in MONTHS! Things that i promised not only myself but my PARTNER that i wouldn't do. And it's hard NOT to do them again because the stress is still there and the actions "seem" to make things better... until i start feeling guilty about letting everyone down by engaging in them.

So, i admit i fell and i find someone who'll look at me and tell me that i'm STILL worthwhile even though i've done something i promised not to. Then i fight the urge to do it again by reminding myself that i CAN do without the crutch. It's not easy... but it's SO worth it. Trust me on this one.

::hugs you again (yes, i am a very "huggy" mouse. sue me... no don't... i'm poor ::grin::):: It gets better. Really. And you CAN do this without the crutch. I promise. And i'm here if you need that reminder.

i know this is probably MORE than you wanted to hear from someone you DON'T know (and that you JUST added to your f-list) but i just felt as someone who's BEEN there, DONE that that i COULDN'T let this pass without commenting. You aren't alone. You aren't BAD for "falling down". And if you weren't worth it... Ristin wouldn't care enough to want you NOT to worry.

Peace, sweet rat, and feel free to contact this american mouse if you need to talk.
::one more HUG:: The kendermouse

Fri, Dec. 24th, 2004 05:49 am (UTC)
marko_the_rat: Re: Comments from a mouse in "Mama" mode...

Thank you, Kender! Your advice is valuable to me and thanks to you I have resolved to get through the rest of my absence from Ristin without using alcohol as a crutch. I'm just sorry you came on board at a bad time. I'm not normally this fragile!

Fri, Dec. 24th, 2004 03:07 pm (UTC)
kendermouse: Re: Comments from a mouse in "Mama" mode...

thanks to you I have resolved to get through the rest of my absence from Ristin without using alcohol as a crutch.

Good for YOU! It's not easy... but i KNOW you can do it. ::huggles the rat::

I'm just sorry you came on board at a bad time. I'm not normally this fragile!

Hon, it's SO not a problem. Holidays are rough... and besides, after viewing your stufftie collection and your website... i am SOOOO in the right place to visit with a kindred soul. ::grin::

Take care, Marko and have a GOOD holiday.

peace and (you guessed it) more HUGS ::grin::
the kendermouse