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Tue, Feb. 8th, 2005, 06:19 pm
Bears in Black

Even though I haven't been stingy with the local furry artists, I've been feeling like a parasite lately because I don't actually create anything. In an attempt to make a start at redressing that imbalance, below you will find an amusing little vignette outlining what happens if you don't do enough to promote Gmail (inspired by a conversation with overzen). Comments welcome.
Marko opens the door to two grizzly bears with short cropped dark brown fur, dressed all in black. They are both wearing mirror shades.

"Er, yes?" Marko asks uncertainly.

The front most bear checks his PDA: "Are you Mr Marko... T... Rat?"

"How may I help you?" the rat responds, even more uncertain of himself. Marko has learnt that it pays to be polite when dealing with alpha predators.

"We are from a... consortium," the bear responds, picking his words carefully, "representing the interests of Gmail. You have an account with Gmail, don't you?"

"I do," Marko affirms, doing his best to smile disarmingly. "There's nothing wrong, is there?" He tries hard not to show his fear, but the quaver in his voice and the quiver in his tail give him away.

"Oh, no, nothing at all," the bear in black assures him, his tone almost conversational, "it's just that we've noticed you haven't been giving away many Gmail invitations lately." The rat stands mute, knowing what's coming, so the bear presses his advantage: "You love Gmail, don't you? You want Gmail to grow and prosper?"

"Oh, I do," Marko affirms, nodding emphatically. "But well, I don't have many friends and..." he finishes weakly, looking up at them pleadingly.

The two bears stare down at him unsympathetically. "We understand," the leading bear says, in a tone completely devoid of understanding, "but Gmail needs more subscribers if it's to flourish in this competitive marketplace. We're here to help. If you just pass us your tail, we can give you an incentive to find more customers." He reaches out an oversized paw towards the quailing rat.

Marko clutches his tail protectively, backing away in fear. "No, please," he pleads, "not my tail."

"It's not a problem," he says, agreeably. "We could always just cancel your Gmail account."

The bears wait expectantly, giving the rat time to consider their offer. Marko timidly offers them his tail and closes his eyes.

Aww, poor ratty!

Tue, Feb. 8th, 2005 01:15 pm (UTC)
quillblade

*giggling* That's cool... no, really, it is. It made me laugh, and I always like writing which does that. ^_^

Tue, Feb. 8th, 2005 03:01 pm (UTC)
tenax

...

He wakes up with a start in his bed. Glancing over at the clock, Marko relaxes when he sees that it is merely 8 in the morning. Scratching his furry stomach, he climbs out of bed and goes to brush his teeth.

A piercing scream fills his home. His tail, his beautiful tail, is lined with hundreds of little white envelopes, stuck on with a small dab of sticky glue. Each on has a familiar logo. Under each logo, in bright happy print, are the words "You're invited!"

Marko never went to work that day. He didn't leave the house the following day.

When his concerned friends finally saw him on LiveJournal, he grew silent when asked why his tail was scrubbed painfully raw. The memories were painful too, and he could still feel the dirty, dirty sensation of the invites, clinging to him, clutching him-- and begging him to give them to his friends.



Fear me, and my terrible, terrible writing!

Tue, Feb. 8th, 2005 04:07 pm (UTC)
overzen

*sniffs your addition to the story* I smell nothing terrible. *runs over and sniffs you* Actually, I smell something cute and sweet! *nibbles your nose and finishes with a kiss* ;)

Tue, Feb. 8th, 2005 04:05 pm (UTC)
rabitguy

EEEEP!

*-clutches tail and looks at his stack of two-dozen unused GMAIL invite codes-*

Tue, Feb. 8th, 2005 04:06 pm (UTC)
overzen

LOL. Awesome! I knew there was a conspiracy behind Gmail! Just think, if I had taken that invite, I might be dealing with those bears as well. But, I like to think I have pull with the ursine population...so I could just make a couple phone calls and have the bears in black taken away. *laughs evily* HAW HAW HAW! Fear me, and my bearish connections!!!!! *lightning flashes*